Downing my Drafts

So my blog's been dry all this while because I've been furiously typing in my drafts - it's weird that one or more random reasons always kept me one step short of publishing posts. Sometimes I felt the content was too patchy, sometimes I was plain lazy to spell-check, but mostly I just hesitated because there was so much going on.

But now that I've graduated, I'm planning to publish a few posts (with context) that explain what crazy past two years have been like - from clinks to clashes, from cheers to ashes - because Pittsburgh ensured that I experience all seasons.

Anyway, about the next few posts:

Some is spotty poetry
Some is delicate prose
Some is soaring anger
Some is cheeky sows

Many thoughts disjointed,
not even fully mounted
Some wild, some unsure
And somewhat immature

But the one thing that
brings them together and apart,
is the moment they fired
straight from my heart.

Daring to share, hope you like it!

#Tepper-ed!

New Found Love

I wish I was smarter, and limericks would come more naturally to me. As with all new found loves, these days I am obsessing over how awesome they are - scanning webpages for the cool ones, scratching brain cells for the inspiration to strike.

For starters,

There was a young lady named Bright
who traveled much faster than light.
She set out one day
in a relative way,
and came back the previous night.

Hawking’s "Brief History of Time"
is such a relief! How sublime
that time, in reverse,
may un-write this verse
and un-spend my last thin dime!

Okay, if you're not relatively curious:

To his friend, Ned said, rather blue,
"My wife Edith just told me we're through,
For she says I'm too fat."
And his friend told him that,
"You can't have your cake and then, have Edith, too."

Note: All sourced from the internet. 

C'mon writer's block, you can't do that to me all the time.

Say Something

I'm giving up on you: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BmErRm-vApI

I'm giving up on writing. I haven't been saying anything for a while. I don't know if this is just a me-thing but I need little interstices of free time (in between chunks of not a minute to waste stuff to do) to be able to appreciate time.. think, write and publish. I've been trying 5 minute poetry (think 2-minute noodles), but clearly its not happening (though I must say that I am getting better. That makes me feel good, I like productivity!)

Anyway, school never allowed time to ponder - and I've also been kind of surprised by the sheer volume and nature of change over the past few months. Not only has business school brought about a change in routine, but people have also brought about a change in perspective. Just like coal turns to diamond under pressure - people have changed color, texture and substance under pressure, not always in a good way. Basically I think, we're all stoned (pun-intended). 

The Blur.

She nudged away stray tendrils with the back of her hand, and couldn't help smiling at their soft texture. Just as playfully, they rushed back quickly to play hide and seek with her bright kohl-lined eyes.

Her eyes. He loved her eyes. They were so intense, so big, they seemed to gleam with the radiance of energy around them.

There was a certain energy about them. Not eerie or uncomfortable silence, but the cheery, warm welcome of wordless-ness, that questioned the purpose of communication itself.

Pinning the rebellious strand back in place, she continued to graciously knead the dough in front of her. There was still an hour to go and she'd be done in the next 20 minutes.

Which left  40 minutes to get ready, wear her favorite red kurta and golden jhumkas, and of course retouch the black magic : kohl. She loved kohl, and its intense black quality - like a black hole that took everything in its stride, no questions asked.

He'd never really asked questions. He knew what he wanted to know. He knew he had her from word go. He knew he loved her from before.

Before, when he first met her. Before, when they started smiling. Before, when he first kissed her hand. Before, when their lives became awesome.

Awesomness, of course is a relative term, he thought, smiling at the thought of the bright red kurta she'd be wearing today. He knew that, no questions asked. Surprises surprised him, he basked in the pleasure of knowing her every thought.

Hmmm, thoughts totally blew her away... So she could sit in front of the window pane, for hours together, a book in one hand and a coffee in the other.. and continue to contemplate life, before after and now, ups and downs, screams and tantrums, laughs and fears, chokes and smears.... hmmm. And then all of a sudden a squeak or a shout would shake her from her reverie and accuse procrastination. Almost as reflex, her hands would move back on the pages. Guilt had its annoying ways of creeping into her personal life, like a honk on a quiet street or perhaps, a banging doorbell in the middle of her siesta?

*Knock Knock*

He walked in to the smell of homemade choclate slush cake. She jumped at the sound of gift wrap along his fingers. They both lunged for their respective targets.

Almost ceremoniously, they stood together to cut the cake, comfortable in the joys of quiet anniversary celebrations. Later as they fed each other pieces, he naughtily scratched a smile on the back of her hand and slid a love band through her ring finger. Because love was simple, precious and eternal. Because love was theirs to keep.

In thirty years of blind and mute togetherness, they cheered on yet another year of silence. He swiftly released the locks around her ears, he knew she'd be smiling. No questions asked.


Celebrating the Platinum Day of Love with Indiblogger and Platinum

Five people you meet in the Delhi Metro

The Delhi Metro, local train of New Delhi, India

If we could collect miles by travelling on the metro, I'm pretty sure I'd have collected enough for a world-tour. No really, I didn't have a car (I think cars are bad investments, but anyway that's a separate issue), autowallahs were too haughty, rickshaw-waalas were too slow, my friends were car-less, and sitting at home on the weekends was simply not an option that I entertained.

So I had the unique opportunity to travel long distances for random reasons on convoluted paths of the Delhi Metro. I can explain the use of the word convoluted: for example, if I had to go from point A to B, but the metro went from A to C to D and then to B, I'd happily tag along. It was cheap, had Air Conditioning, and fellow travelers graciously offered free, non-stop entertainment.

So now that I'm missing dilli, I thought I'd write an ode to by far the best place around there: The Women's Coach. I have seen many men standing on one leg, falling on the edges, spilling over the sides of the adjacent coach, staring right in (to the women's coach) of course pretending otherwise, trying hard to pry in on every conversation, so I thought I might as well do them the favor and spill the secret of this magic coach.

So here's the observation: all people aboard the Metro at any instant of time can broadly be classified into either or at best, a combination of, these five prime categories:

• Stare at me, Size me up: This category is predominant: they are sharply dressed, but often have one super shiny, and very-out-of-place accessory on them, almost like a warning signal. Beware, the warning is no use, because by the time you notice the warning, they have noticed you.. Err did I say notice? I meant sized you up from top to bottom, noted all the brands (or lack thereof) that you're wearing, commented on whether the stud around your neck is gold or platinum, decided what 'type' of girl you are, where you live and what you might be up to at that time. They're the hawks and they kill their prey just by staring. So if you're suddenly more uncomfortable than a chicken squirming under butcher's knife, look out for hawk eyes (or the shiny accessory) 

• Sleeping Beauty: If you don't find atleast one of this category through your ride, you are probably not travelling long enough. They can be spotted along the edge seats, leaning along the panes, enjoying the bumpy ride, some smiling, some mouth open, (once I even saw one drooling, urgh) all enjoying a a surprisingly peaceful siesta, without a care for the world.
• Sleep walkers: this subtype jumps up at the sound of Rajiv Chowk Metro Station, neatly gets up (wipes away the drool) and walks out like sleep-walking in the metro is the 'in-thing' to do

• Phone Connection: These ones are stuck to their phones. If the battery dies out, they would do anything to get to the one charging point in extreme end of the coach. Anything. And that means, leaning along five rows of people, requesting two other strangers (who happen to be sitting next to the charging point) to hold the wire and keep the connection as she continues to chatter/ text/ both on the amazingly addictive android device. Caution: This type is generally make-up heavy, and smell like Victoria's Secret, which is great, but they also have extremely well exercised jaw muscles. If you look close enough you can see ab-like sick packs right under the chin, a product of hard work from years of non-stop blabber. And yes, the whole metro knows their life history, past boyfriends, current boyfriends, how many people in office are hitting on them, who said what, whether the boss is cute looking, the latest CK sale, how the fruits are too expensive, but the pink MANGO shorts are a steal. Phew.

• Lovers: These are the lovers, they travel in pairs, smile a lot, are obviously well-dressed, believe strongly in PDA, and weirdly enough travel right on the edge of the women's coach. The girl is on women's side, the guy is hanging on the other, and of course the hawk's eyes are hanging in right there. If you know what I mean. (If you don't, go to 1)

• Books and Brew: If there were two seconds between their stop and the now, they'd open a book and read 1.75 words. No kidding, they could be hanging along the ceiling, one hand trying to balance the jerks, back trying to balance a back-pack, feet trying to twitch some space, nose trying to find some air, but eye-balls slithering along pages like a hungry snake advancing towards its prey. As expected, they're the easiest to spot - young, spectacled, (a spectacle themselves), serious, brooding, and not listening to the phone connection (for more, see 3). 

"Yatri kripya dhyaan dein..Dilli Metro mein khaana, peena, ve dhumra-paan varjit hai" 
(Travellers, please take note, smoking, drinking and eating is not permitted on the Delhi Metro)

Happy Travelling!

Dark Secrets and Forbidden Words.

Okay, so there have been a lot of troubling developments over the past week but I would like to write about the most distressing one. Writing about my fears is the last (many times the only) trick in my survivors' handbook.

In classes, and on the bus-stop, in a corporate presentation or right after, while running on the track (okay, running to school) or gulping my food - basically practically everywhere I go or everything that I do - I have started to feel the presence of a snoopy something right behind.

Something's been stalking me and the faster I run, the swifter it gets. No really, it does, I've tried.

Wherever I go, it follows. Except that its not the cute hutch doggie but a huge, scary bull-dog that's designed to scare the living daylights out of me. It doesn't bother anyone else you see, it's a nice well-behaved dog for the other pedestrians, the ones they pet and smile at, the one they wish they had.

But inside its screaming, barking, and cursing - spewing nastiness right into mind. It blocks my thoughts, and cuts my veins, it numbs my moves and freezes reflex. My hands start to tremble, my mind starts to wander, my heart is pounding, I struggle to mutter. Thick beads of sweat start surfacing on my forehead (they've been conniving with the bull dog) and they start converging along temples form thicker, more prominent signals of my weakness. I start to stutter and try to recollect my name.
"Who am I, what is all this even about, urgh", I think. A third voice in my mind now takes charge, "This is NOT the time for philosophy, idiot", it starts another bloodcurdling scream. As three conflicting, angry, and obviously fuming voices fight for airspace, the confusion inside my head starts to surface in wrinkles now. The sweat finds more challenging trajectory to start sloping downwards. Aha, and now its starting to smell as well. Incredible, what can get worse. I bring sweaty palms forward to shake hands and hope they're not leaving an impression (literally).
Hope, that's what keeps me alive as the screaming gets louder, the sweat gets dirtier and my trembling hands now graduate to shaky legs. Isn't the room too stuffy, or are the windows closed. There isn't enough oxygen here, I try to stop the screaming as my wobbly legs turn rubber and my mind start to phase out. I am falling or fainting or losing consciousness or I think.

I pass out. The dog's tail is wagging, right behind me.

****************************

Uncomfortable.
That's the one word that describes networking. I simply do not know how this works, despite numerous sessions, 'practical' advice, a long list to-dos, do-not's and keep-in-mind's. This does not come naturally to me and I am tethering on balancing rope hoping that I am doing the right thing. Hoping that they don't hate me. Hoping that I'm not cutting the chances of landing a job of the very limited options that I have here. Okay, I'm just a little anxious. But I still hate networking. Shh, don't say that loud. The snoopy something follows if you call out.

****************************

PS. For the uninitiated, networking is a socio-academic activity which involves casual conversation with prospective employers. B-school grads ask relevant questions, create an impact, to try and land an interview call. The fear of messing up is so high that it makes the whole activity something of a nightmare. Fingers crossed. And that's really not the point, I think. I'd just like to know people for fun. But anyway, what I think doesn't matter and fun is definitely not on the agenda.

Blitz-burgh, Thoughts and Basecamp

So, this is my first time here in the States and the following are my quick observations about the city, its people and the whats in store ahead. Business school seems like its going to get tough. Our Dean said that once classes start we'll be at least one month behind after wading through the first week. Urgh, I'm not sure I'd like that feeling.

Anyway, here I am happily typing away, waiting for (read terrified of) the high tide.

1. Shut up and Run: 

Running, if not a neurotic overuse of thyroid glands, is very much an anytime obsession here. I mean, you could wake in the middle of the night, say 2AM, or jump right out of a meeting at 12 Noon on a business day to spot people quietly running on the road like burning calories on the running track is their full time job description. Talk about a one-track mind. Not that tracking them is any of my business, but I just like to keep my eyes open to contrast.

2. Chees-y and Loving it:

By Indian standards, I am a cheese lover. I like cheese on my bread, I enjoy pizza with a cheese base and toppings, and I like cheese tomato sabzi. But W.O.A.H, I learnt the real meaning of a cheese sandwich when I saw a few broccoli, lettuce, and two pieces of tomato gasping for air like inexperienced swimmers in a sea of cheese. Not just one type of cheese, mind you, but 15 thick layers of 3 different mozzarella, pepperjack and parmesan. Cheese is no joke here, they like their food cheesy and they like to see it dripping.

I think Indians easily spend about 3 times the amount of time as compared to Americans on contemplating, preparing, eating and digesting their food.

Though I'm really not sure which approach works out better, maybe something on the middle path?

3. Self-Service or No-Service: 

Though my parents don't really (thankfully) support the servants-culture, I come from a land where there are always other people to do your work. It could be any work - from washing your dishes, to preparing your food, to parking your car to getting a photocopy, you can always pay someone peanuts and get it done with. Though there is nothing wrong with the concept per se, (it gives someone poor a livelihood, after all), I think that psychologically it instills a sense of superiority in the payer, which over time matures into the illusion of power. 

But service is so expensive here, that one would rather move their own muscles.

And although I've been running around looking for instructions on how-to-do stuff that comes almost intuitively to the natives ("just put in your username and password to get the print-out, duh"), I like that.

DIY

I guess that this do-it-yourself culture helps to develop a sense of appreciation for every job (any job) and a mutual respect for everyone irrespective of who they are or what they do. So the 'janta-hai-mera-baap-kaun-hai' attitude does not surface, no-one is a king by birth. They've got to work their way up. 

As a corollary, people do not pollute the streets or spit on the footpath or throw trash on the road, simply because they have picked up their own garbage at home and know what happens if they litter.

No, this does not mean that US is bias free: I have seen impolite people, rude by-passers (interestingly enough, it was right when I entered the airport), the polluted Michigan lake (my first two days in the States), cigarette butts in no-smoking zones, thick black smoking vehicles polluting the whole world with them and more. It simply means that the incidence of such incidents is less, and more specifically, this is not the norm.

4. A picture is worth a thousand words: 

I found this house number very close to the street on which I live, and just had to take a picture. Americans really have their own sense of humor.

House Number 5218.5

5. Miles to go before I sleep

Everyone here has work to do. An errand to run, a task to complete, a scheduled run (!) perhaps, and food is the least of everyone's priorities. They'd rather just "grab a sandwich" or "pick up a (cheesy) pizza" and be done with it. Ah, they need to visit my laid back city in India.

The famous slant structure at CMU cuts right through the sky

So here I am in the middle of Tepper Basecamp - this is an orientation of sorts, which has preliminary maths classes, an introduction to the various MBA specializations, internship talk, resume reviews and the forbidden N-word*. Spirits are quite high in our batch (both literally and figuratively) and we all are practically at somebody's place or at Walnut Street or in the middle of the road, every other evening, chatting each other up. The batch is quite diverse and there is loads to talk about. Very soon Basecamp will be over, though and scaling Mount Tepper in harsh Pittsburgh winter will begin, hmm.

*In case you haven't guessed it yet, it's also the subject of my next post, so please wait up :)

Truth be told.

I'd always placed you on a pedestal. I enjoyed smiling up to you. Up, the keyword here.
And, sometimes, when you'd look out of the window, with a faraway look on your face, I'd poke you and you'd look away. That scared me, it wasn't easy to bare myself in front of you in the first place and I really didn't know what I'd do without.
So in those uncomfortable moments of pinching disorientation, I accused myself of hallucinating again. Making up problems for myself, because they made life so much more interesting. Didn't they make life feel like one big struggle? And overcoming them made my otherwise uneventful life heroic. Like all those accomplished quotes I loved reading. I have to stop doing that, I'd tell myself.

Smiling of course, as I looked up at you.

You couldn't be wrong and I knew that.
Because when you did look, you looked straight into my eyes, poring into my head, reading all my dirty thoughts and staring right there, smiling a knowing grin even as my eyes paced around the room, fidgety yet longing to look back. I hankered quickly cover up as much as possible. I didn't want to trust too much. As always, I was scared. But, not cynical no.

Not until you walked out on me. Just walked out. Without a second thought. Without a backward glance. Without as much as parting word.
Leaving me scared, confused and searching. Searching for an explanation. Searching for what'd gone wrong. Searching for my bare self, and all that I'd lost to you. Searching for that moment, that brought me closer to you.

Truth be told, dear Trust, you broke my faith.

***********************************************

In the memory of my trust, in people, processes and intentions, which died a slow and painful death. I bow to your inexplicable power, but I'd like to keep my distance now. Thank you very much.

Almost.

I huffed around in frenzy

I had just been shown the bone

Now I must pounce at just-right time

And then he'd be, all mine to own

Was there time to smile some bit?

I had just been shown the bone

Or should I plan the next move

His entry to my zone.  

I really thought I'd grab it, for

I had just been shown the bone

I believed that God would favor me

I'd been true you know, my own 

They call it over-confidence or perhaps,

some random crazy dreams

I jumped and lunged to grab it, but

fell flat on my knees

A cracked up bone and ugly scars

Did finally clear the fog

Life's a bitch and that's that

Bleh, I'm such a dog.

{:}

Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.

Del And More

I have to post. It’s just been too long.

>>
We all look the same. We don’t end. People rush all over us, above us, below us, on top of us.. hang from the sides.. squeeze in the middle.. add at both ends.. and still manage to spill over. Who are we?
Meet the Flyovers!

If they create another of these never-ending, landmark-less, crazy concrete structures, they might as well create sun-spots as well. Those little green areas where people can come see the sky.
Mana tum Flyovers ho, uska yeh matlab nahi hawa mein udo.
>> Auto bhaiya, aap itne arrogant kyun ho?
‘126 HCL, kitna lenge?'
‘80 rupaiye’
‘Main roz pachaas mein jaati hoon bhaiya, chalna hai toh bo-‘
‘Arre madam aap ko pata nahi hai.. petrol ke rate bhad gaye hain.’
‘Bhaiya auto toh CNG par chalte hain.’
Auto goes. I stand.
Auto standing nearby : 'bhaiya 126, HCL..’
‘Nahi jaana.’
HUH! Talk about delhi attitude!

>>
Excepting Rajiv Chowk at 9:15 AM, you’re awesome. Really. And I like your AC too.
Metro ji, tussi great ho!
Just a little query… Why do people start running from one metro to another? The first time it happened I thought there was a fire! It’s not that far away. I brisk walk will do just fine you know.

> > Alooo, mujhe maaf kar do
Dearest Aloo,
I’m terribly sorry. I misunderstood you. You’re the best. You make food edible, Delhi affordable, and life livable. Can’t do without you, I swear!

Two Down.

Half Way Through.
In the middle of eggjams.
Like, exactly in the middle.
Two down. Two to go.
Can't think.

Life at the margin. Having a good time.
:)


- I also came across this quote today. Ironic, though.
If a student is changing the course of history, he must be taking an exam.

True, that!

Phew!

Today was a very important day.
I took my last sessional today. After 120 sessionals, unlimited vivas, internal and external pracs.. I have a revelation.

I am amazed. At myself. At just how much I had to push myself, to study for this one sessional.. I refused to read a word that wasn't in points, in my 'photustats'.. "Because that's not important and that won't come."

And there was a time when I used to read because I wanted to. Hell, I even used to re-read. I used to underline my answers and highlight important points and do the paper with a 'nice pen'.. Hahah. I used to remember points and I also remember quite specifically that I hated writing out of context. To think that now I write entire answers which are absolutely out of context.. Wow, that's change.

I know this is a very omg-you're-such-a-kid-and-you-should-go-to-school statement to make but, I'm not sure I like this change. I wish it could be fun to study again.

I've loved these four years, for whatever their worth, but still I feel useless, like maybe if I could've done something more worthwhile.. They've been inexplicably random, to say the least. Like the misty haze on the window pane when it rains.. the one that you write your name in with podgy fingers. And watch as racing raindrops clear it all out with callous confidence.

It's clearing up. Way too fast though.

[|]

We were friends for sometime and
I thought you'll see me through
But you turned your back towards me when
All I thought I had was you.

Oh yeah, it's the end right now
But I still don't think I'm done
You've done your bit and that's ok,
You're simply not the one.


PS. I just read this poem again.. Just in case, anybody is wondering; the first para is for my percentiles. And the second for this year.

*

"Wit has truth in it; wisecracking is simply calisthenics with words." - Dorothy Parker.

No Phony Love, This One!

Today is a historic day.
A wonderful relationship has come to an end.
I have finally done away with my 1000 years old Nokia 1100.

He was a good friend.
He stood up for me always. A lot of times, when I have been lonely and curt, not so lonely and very talkitive, he has been a mute spectator to my idiosyncratic randomness. He has watched, as I fought with others and punched him in return.. He has watched as I dived my nails into his skin and smiled at his face, only to be passing a text on to someone else. He has been privy to my insanity, watched all my phony antics, has even, almost-been-flushed once. He has truly stood the test of time, friendship and loyalty. I love him.

And as I put him to rest today, I feel a strange emptiness that wont fill up for a really long time to come. Because he is was, is and always will be the best phone ever. And nothing - no fancy phone, no frilly features, no 20 MP cameras, no 50 GB space can match up to the endearing simplicity of his being.
Some things are truly irreplaceable.

All said and done, however, you are in a sorry state of affairs, my friend. You have been surgically treated twice, have (VDS) voice distortion syndrome, severe skin rashes, and a very acute form of Alzheimer's. Your memory status of 50 phone contacts is defying your age and testing my patience. The recent gash on your keypad is bleeding like a seasonal river and this time, doctors tell me, there is no possibilty of yet another plastic surgery. You know what that means. Ab tumhein dawa nahi hai, dua ki zaroorat hai, mere dost. Of course, until that happens, I've to type without spaces and talk without punching numbers containing zero. Because your zero key, as much as I ignore it, is now a gaping black hole.. Last time I knived my scooter key inside, to literally 'knock' out the letter.

But still, you are by far, the healthiest (at your age), most loved and the most unflinchingly devoted phone I've ever had. Or ever will have.
R.I.P, my friend. I love you.

:|:

Words that knived me
through and through
Numbers that heard me say
If you cant help me Goddamnyou
At least get outta my way!

-:-

So much emotion around me
And yet, I feel like stone
So many people surround me
And yet, I'm all alone.

||

No,I am not a thing,
Yes,I would like you to know
You cant slash my neck,
And then, pretend to have let go.

-|-

Time will pass in a jiffy
Soon I'll be in the grind
They'll be running faster now
And I'll be left behind.