I'd always placed you on a pedestal. I enjoyed smiling up to you. Up, the keyword here.
And, sometimes, when you'd look out of the window, with a faraway look on your face, I'd poke you and you'd look away. That scared me, it wasn't easy to bare myself in front of you in the first place and I really didn't know what I'd do without.
So in those uncomfortable moments of pinching disorientation, I accused myself of hallucinating again. Making up problems for myself, because they made life so much more interesting. Didn't they make life feel like one big struggle? And overcoming them made my otherwise uneventful life heroic. Like all those accomplished quotes I loved reading. I have to stop doing that, I'd tell myself.
Smiling of course, as I looked up at you.
You couldn't be wrong and I knew that.
Because when you did look, you looked straight into my eyes, poring into my head, reading all my dirty thoughts and staring right there, smiling a knowing grin even as my eyes paced around the room, fidgety yet longing to look back. I hankered quickly cover up as much as possible. I didn't want to trust too much. As always, I was scared. But, not cynical no.
Not until you walked out on me. Just walked out. Without a second thought. Without a backward glance. Without as much as parting word.
Leaving me scared, confused and searching. Searching for an explanation. Searching for what'd gone wrong. Searching for my bare self, and all that I'd lost to you. Searching for that moment, that brought me closer to you.
Truth be told, dear Trust, you broke my faith.
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In the memory of my trust, in people, processes and intentions, which died a slow and painful death. I bow to your inexplicable power, but I'd like to keep my distance now. Thank you very much.
And, sometimes, when you'd look out of the window, with a faraway look on your face, I'd poke you and you'd look away. That scared me, it wasn't easy to bare myself in front of you in the first place and I really didn't know what I'd do without.
So in those uncomfortable moments of pinching disorientation, I accused myself of hallucinating again. Making up problems for myself, because they made life so much more interesting. Didn't they make life feel like one big struggle? And overcoming them made my otherwise uneventful life heroic. Like all those accomplished quotes I loved reading. I have to stop doing that, I'd tell myself.
Smiling of course, as I looked up at you.
You couldn't be wrong and I knew that.
Because when you did look, you looked straight into my eyes, poring into my head, reading all my dirty thoughts and staring right there, smiling a knowing grin even as my eyes paced around the room, fidgety yet longing to look back. I hankered quickly cover up as much as possible. I didn't want to trust too much. As always, I was scared. But, not cynical no.
Not until you walked out on me. Just walked out. Without a second thought. Without a backward glance. Without as much as parting word.
Leaving me scared, confused and searching. Searching for an explanation. Searching for what'd gone wrong. Searching for my bare self, and all that I'd lost to you. Searching for that moment, that brought me closer to you.
Truth be told, dear Trust, you broke my faith.
***********************************************
