Friday, May 8, 2009


Here's what the future holds for you - Read on :)

Aries : Jupiter and Saturn are playing hide and seek this summer, it’ll be great if you can stay away from the den. If your house has got a den, change the house immediately, or better still burn down / blow up the den. Life is bound to take a turn, for the better or for the worse.
For better luck, follow the simple upayaya : add the digits of currency number of the ten rupee note in your pocket. Multiply by 5, add 3 and subtract 2. Add the digits till you get a single number. Write this number on a paper.
Make a paper plane. Fly it from your terrace while facing the south west direction. Your bad luck will fly away.

Taurus : If you’re being bullish, remember you’re just being foolish. Watch your step. For the sun is slowly but steadily slipping behind the moon and may affect your balance. Physical or mental is yet to be ascertained. If you never liked corns before, try again, your tastes may have changed. You’re acting way too cheesy these days anyways.

Gemini : You might have a strong urge to go out hiking, or biking. However the other half of your split personality might want to stay indoors. So you may act either way. To get rid of this split, try the following upayaya: take out all the split ends of your hair. Collect them, count them and add 3 to the number. Multiply with 5 and now, throw it in the dustbin. A Piscean with a golden incisor might help you bite in- to success.

Cancer : Love will come your way if you let it. If you don't it'll hit you over the head and run away really fast. Really really fast. For better luck, try jumping a traffic light. I mean literally. Also, fruit is about to give you a pending message. This message could come in the form of a choking fit, a zinging-zap of pain in a cracked lip from a citrus fruit, or possibly just spasmic, uncontrolled excruciating bowel cramps. Whatever it is, try peeling the fruit in an up-down manner, while facing the south and only after the 18th, that’s when the sun moves out of the fit-ting orbit.

Leo : Keep track of the reality shows, you are bound to be a pop star.
Eat more popcorn, act all corny and at night, don’t forget to gaze at the stars. If you can find your name in a constellation, that’s a sure shot indicator of star-dum(b). The universe conspires to make you win if you can find ‘loser’. Chant ‘mera naam chin-chin-choo’, on a full moon night while facing west for better luck at the auditions.

Virgo : You’re in luck!
If you think it’s my job to tell you that, you’re highly, highly mistaken. You’re going down, Mr! As upayaya, stand still (motionless as well as expressionless) on 3 limbs (2 legs and one hand) near the water cooler, while keeping the water flowing. Continue for 3 hours, 3 minutes and 3 seconds. Now use the free hand to turn off the tap.

Libra : Today is not your lucky day. It’s tomorrow instead! So you can seek some solace while picking up your broken teeth with a prosthetic arm. Keep a white elephant to avoid a black eye. Always balance the act. You must offer a lavish meal to Saturn and Jupiter who are conniving against you. Offer at 6AM sharp, while facing west. If it does not get accepted, consume it yourself. No point wasting food in this time of global recession.

Scorpio : I’ll give you a hint in three words : voluptuous, gorgeous, curvy. For you the future comes in like a lion. Yes you’re roaring, and you’re the king of the jungle. If only you live in one that is. And the three words were my last three dictionary ‘words of the day’, nothing to do with you, forever-craving animals.

Sagittarius : The sun is now in the fourth house and the moon is right opposite in the fourth window. To avoid influence, close all doors and windows of your house. You will have a bad hair day this entire week, so it’s better that you stay indoors anyway. A Virgo with polka dotted red socks will be your lucky charm this week.

Capricorn : Venus is prone to hic(cups) this week. Do not drink before /after dinner.The feeling in the pit of your stomach is going to explode at noon. Or sometime afterwards.
Do not read anything today. Not even a word. Or a letter. If you just did, you will have bad luck for the next three days.

Aquarius : Change the frame of your specs to a bright electric blue. Your vision will extend beyond horizons and you will finally ‘see’ success in all its true colours. Open your room lock 101 times in 3 minutes and the key to success is all yours. Just iMAGine, it never was!

Pisces : The water God smells something fishy. You’re a small fish in a big pond and what’s worse, you even stink like one. Stop acting like a cold fish even if all that you are fishing for is compliments. Remember, there are plenty of other fish in the sea, even if you’re a master at the fish tale.

DISCLAIMER : Meant only in serious humour. Not intended to hurt or endorse personal belief. Follow at your own risk.

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